


If I Could Tell Him

by iamkatlyn



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Evan is a singer, Evan writes songs, F/F, He can play the piano, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic Attacks, evan is pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-11-29 09:45:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11438277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamkatlyn/pseuds/iamkatlyn
Summary: Evan had noted Connor's every move. He knew what classes he skipped, and which one's he decided to show up to. He knew how he kept his head down, like it was a shield against the world.What did Connor Murphy know about Evan Hansen? Nothing. Or maybe he knew more than Evan had thought before





	1. Chapter 1

Evan Hansen noticed details. His anxiety doesn't let him push any of it out. He noticed the smirks when he stutters, the laughs when he stood in front of the class paralyzed with fear. He noticed the way no one wanted to be his partner, and how they made Evan do all of the work. 

It constantly has him on edge, whipping his head around him, while shakily biting his nails. The sound of the teacher talking and the lights become too much, making him shakily asking to go to the bathroom. Seeing the teacher's pitiful looks didn't help. 

But he also sees other details, especially if they include Connor Murphy. 

His long, brown, tangled hair, dark eyes, and his seemingly constant scowl. He wore dark clothes, skin tight black jeans, worn out black boots, and a thin gray hoodie. He made it look like he would rather be anywhere than there. He always had a book or something to draw in with him. He was so interesting. 

'And beautiful', a voice in his head said. 

Yes, maybe Evan had a huge crush on Connor. He was just so... He couldn't explain it. He loved the way his eyebrows furrowed when he was confused, or the smirk that came up when someone said something stupid. It was like Evan could hear his comebacks. 

But what was Evan to Connor? As much as Evan is infatuated with Connor, he's never actually talked to him. Connor probably didn't know he existed, like everyone else. Except for his frie— family friend, Jared. 

Jared had talked to him this morning, saying to mention to his mom that he was nice to him, which wasn't really true. He accused his newly broken arm on jacking off too hard, then called him an acorn when he told him what had actually happened. 

Evan can't blame Jared, though. Out of context, it does sound a little humorous. But in context, it was just a pathetic suicide attempt. He jumped out of the highest tree he could find. When he hit the ground, he laid there with his eyes closed, thinking he was finally free of his life. That was until he felt the ache in his arm, and his fast beating heart. he cradled his arm, feeling a few tears fall from his eyes. 

No one came for him. 

He called his boss ten minutes later, asking him for a ride to the hospital. That was when he made his little lie, wanted to climb the tallest tree, and fell out. His mom had been so worried when she found out, she even left work that day. When she saw him she started crying and saying she should've been there when he fell. He felt so terrible, but he hugged her and told her it wasn't her fault. 

This morning, she suggested Evan ask people to sign his cast, to which he faked being excited. He still brought a sharpie nonetheless. 

So far, he has asked Alana Beck and Jared, to which both didn't do. He didn't blame them. Why would someone want to be seen around, or have their name on his cast? 

-

During lunch, Evan went to the computer room to print out his paper. His therapist suggested he write himself letters, almost like pep talks. He agreed, wanting to make his therapist see him not as a total failure. He hit "print", while reading it over. Suddenly, a voice cut him out of his daze.

"What uh, what happened to your arm?" Someone said by him.

Connor Murphy. 

His heart sped up, and felt his hands start to become sweaty. 

"I was um, climbing a tree, and I-I fell," Evan answered, feeling his neck burn. 

"Well that is the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard," Connor replied with a breathy chuckle. Evan gave him a timid smile.

"No one's uh, no one's signed your cast." Connor stated. He felt his face burn with his neck, mumbling that he knew, embarassment taking over him. He thinks you're a weirdo, he doesn't want to be around you, and you thought you cou—

"Why don't I sign it?" Connor asked, walking closer to him. Evan felt his breathing pick up, and his heartbeat pound in his ears. 

"You don't have to," Evan replied, looking at the ground. Connor asked for a sharpie, in which he pulled out of his pocket. He saw Connor smirk, and he took his arm a little roughly. 

"Ow," he mumbled, and Connor apologized. He wrote his name in huge, capital letter across the front of his cast.

"Oh, thanks." Evan said, trying not to freak out. He has "CONNOR" largely written on his cast. The thought made him softly smile. 

"Now we can both pretend we have friends," Connor said. Evan looked up at him for the first time. His blue eyes were staring at him intensely. Not knowing how to answer, Evan just timidly smile at him. His heart was pounding too hard. Then, realization spread across his face.

"Oh yeah! Is this yours? It was um in the computer room. Dear Evan Hansen, that's your name, right?" he asked, pulling out his printed out letter. He now felt twice the amount of embarrassment, quickly trying to explain what it is. Connor didn't seem to care, though. 

He handed him the paper, and mumbled out a quick goodbye. He left, and Evan felt himself deflate like a balloon. He could finally breathe. God, he was a mess. A cute boy talks to him and he nearly has a heart attack. 

Not any cute boy, though. this cute boy just so happened to be his long time crush, Connor Murphy. 

How was he going to survive the rest of the day?


	2. Chapter 2

Evan could barely sleep last night. His mind was racing, and so did his breath. Why did Connor talk to him? Were they friends? Did he like him? What if he told everyone at school? What if he felt bad for him? Little Evan Hansen has no friends— how sad. 

When he got out of bed, his legs and hands were shaking, trying to get ready as fast as possible. He shakily picked up his medication and ran out of the door. Hopefully they will work today. 

Usually when Evan walked to school, he felt at peace, with the cold morning air pushing around him. He would shoot his mom a text saying how he was walking to school, and how he loves her. 

This morning was different though. The cold air only made him shake even more, and he couldn't think straight. His mind was racing a marathon of bad thoughts. What if everyone laughed at him? What if they stared? What if he tried to hold into the wall to steady himself but his hands were sweaty and he would fall and everyone would laugh and he would be known as the boy who fell in front of him?

Once he walked into the school doors, he ran to the bathroom and locked himself in a stall. He wiped his hand on his pants and sat down on the (closed) toilet. He tried to steady his breath as he took out his folder. He grabbed the pages from his song, and searched for a pencil. 

He tapped the paper with his pencil, and started bouncing his leg. He had only had a few lines of the song, and he was still trying to find the rhythm of the song. 

"On the outside always looking in will I,  
Ever be more than I've always been?  
'Cause I'm tap, tap, tappin' on the glass,  
I'm waving through a window."

It's how Evan felt. About himself. About the world. Trying to reach out, only to fall and wait for someone to find him. Of course, he couldn't tell anyone this. I mean. Who would he tell? He can't tell Dr. Sherman, or his mom. He doesn't have any friends, and his father left years ago. 

He really was alone. 

'What about Connor?' a voice in his head asked. He felt his neck burn. The thought seemed silly. He talked to Connor once, he couldn't just suddenly share his deepest, darkest secrets. 

The bell rung, and Evan stuffed his folder and pencil into his backpack and made sure he didnt look terrible in the mirror. 

His first period is History, which is on the other side of the school. He'll have to rush to get there on time, which isn't really a change. Every minute of his life was a race, trying to keep up with everything around him.  

He walks in a few minutes before the bell, and he tried not to cough too hard from being out of breath. 

He takes his stuff to the very last row, and starts bouncing his leg.The teacher goes over their homework assignment, which Evan had already finished.  He felt his mind drift.

Of course he starts thinking of Connor. 

He was so close to him yesterday, he could see parts of brown in his light blue eyes. How they stared so intensely in his. 

He felt as if he was actually seen by someone. Like Connor cared. 

But that wouldn't happen, no matter how hard Evan wished. He couldn't even talk to Zoe Murphy last year because he thought his hands were too sweaty. Jared only talked to him because he wanted to, and his mom was always at work or classes. 

Like he said, he was alone. Maybe he wouldn't feel as if the world was crumbling around him if someone just talked to him without doing it for money or because they had to.

———

It was third period (English) and Evan felt like a mess. He didn't understand what they were doing, and he couldn't ask anyone for help.

His leg bounced as fast as it could, and he shakily bit his nails. Nothing was clicking in his head. He couldn't understand what the teacher was saying. 

He felt his breathing pick up, and so did his leg. He looked around the room to see where the feeling of staring was coming from. 

He looked back at the teacher, trying to calm down. Mrs. Darce looked at him and nodded, which meant "you can go to the bathroom and calm down". He sent her a look that was meant to show he was thankful, and he quickly left the room.

He ran to the closest bathroom, and ran to a random stall. He sat down on the floor and felt his eyes fill with tears. 

He tried to quiet his sobbing, but it only quickened his breath. Everything around him was closing in, and he couldn't breathe. 

Evan felt his fists pound the ground, as he cried. What's wrong with him? Why couldn't he focus on what the teacher said? He was such a disappointment to everyone. Maybe that's why his dad left them. 

Hundred of thoughts flooded his mind, telling him he's worthless and a waste of space. How his mom will never be proud of him. How he should've never woken up when he felt his body hit the ground in the forest. 

There was a knock on the stall door, and Evan froze. 

"Evan, are you okay? It's me, Connor," Connor said outside of the door. Evan wiped his eyes and tried to clear his throat. 

"Yeah, I'm okay," Evan replied, which was obviously a lie. You could hear how stuffy his nose was, and his throat was dry. Evan heard Connor make a chuckle. 

"Okay, that was such a terrible attempt of acting okay," he replied, and tried to open the door. "Can I come in?" 

Evan got up and tried to wipe his nose. He cleared his throat and scrubbed his eyes with his shirt. He unlocked the door, and looked down at the ground.

He sat back down where he was, and Connor sat down next to him after re-locking the door. There was an awkward silence between them, with the occasional sniffle from Evan. 

"What happened?" Connor asked. 

Evan shook his head and tried to laugh, feeling his eyes become watery again. 

"It's stupid," Evan said, rubbing his good hand on his jeans a few times. 

"No offense, but if it were stupid, I don't think you would be having a full blown panic attack in a dirty bathroom stall." Connor replied. 

Evan sighed, and tried to calm his breathing. 

"I have a hard time paying attention, a-and we have an assignment due soon in English, and I don't," he breathed in, trying to not start crying in front of Connor. "I don't know what we are supposed to do. And I ca-cant ask anyone for help." Evan finished. His sight became blurry with tears, which he tried to wipe away again. 

Connor was thinking of something, and then it clicked. 

"I got it! Zoe has a few friends that are seniors, and she could um, get the assignment from them. You could come over and we could work on it, or something." Connor said.

Evan felt his eyes widen, and he looked up at Connor. He was looking at the ground, and rubbing his neck with his neck. He looked embarrassed. 

"You don't have to," Evan replied, scratching his nose and looking back down. 

"It's no problem, if you want to?" Connor asked, turning himself to look at Evan. 

Evan felt himself smile, which probably looked weird with his red teary eyes and sniffles. 

He looked up at Connor again, and felt his neck burn because Connor was looking at him as well. "I'd like that," Evan answered, still smiling.

Connor smiled quickly to reassure him, then looked at him with a worried expression again. 

"Okay, are you good now?" He asked. Evan nodded, and Connor picked himself up from the ground, and offered his hand to Evan. Evan wiped his hand on his pants and took it, shakily pulling himself up. 

Connor gave him his number so they can figure out when he will be able to come over for the assignment, and left with a "take care". 

When Evan got home after school, and grabbed his laptop and opened up Word Document. 

"Dear Evan Hansen,  
Maybe this year won't be so terrible after all. Connor helped you when you had a panic attack, and even offered to help you with your English assignment. 

Sincerely your dearest and only friend,  
Me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and leave kudos!! It mean so much to me!! Tell me if you like it maybe??


	3. Chapter 3

After school, Evan got a text from an unknown number.

**_"Do u wanna come over right now?? Or we could wait.. it doesn't matter -Connor"_ **

Evan saved the number, before replying with  _ **"Sure. I mean- sure, I can come over now. (Evan)**_

_**"lol you didn't have to put ur name, I know it's you"** _

 

Evan felt embarrassed, of course he knew it was Evan, he texted him first. Evan face palmed, before apologizing and telling him where he was. A minute later, Connor was parking next to Evan. He got into the car, buckled himself up, and they were off. Evan felt awkward, looking down, and tugging on his shirt. Evan suddenly smelled smoke, and looked over to see Connor smoking. Oh god; Evan hated smoking, but he didn't want to say anything to Connor because he could probably throw him out of the car or get mad and Evan _definitely_ didn't want that. So, he just held his breath and hoped he didn't get second-hand smoke and die or get lung cancer because then his mom would have to pay for medical bills and they were already struggling an- "Evan?" Connor was looking at him with the same worried look, which made Evan's neck burn and make him awkwardly look at the floor. "We're here," Connor said, gesturing to the house in front of him. Evan apologized, and got out of the car. Evan held onto his backpack straps for dear life, trying not to feel so awkward and anxious. Connor led him to the front door, and Evan admired how big the house was, compared to his own. He felt a sort of jealousy, but tried to swallow it down. Connor led him upstairs, which Evan guessed was his room. They walked in and sat down, after Connor shut the door. Holy shit; Evan was in Connor Murphy's house and not only that but his  _room_.

Evan tried to get rid of any thoughts that would make him blush, and he got his homework out. Connor took his paper, and got out his own. He handed Evan's paper back, leaning toward Evan for help. "Okay, I'm going to help you with the ones I know, and the ones we both don't know, we can ask Zoe. Does that sound good?" Connor asked, looking at Evan. Evan looked up to agree, before looking down again quickly. "Sounds great," Evan replied. They spent 20 minutes working on their homework, Connor explaining everything he knew and looked up. Connor called Zoe in, who wrote little notes for them both to remember and explained what they didn't know. Evan was slightly shaking, taking all of the notes, and writing down the information. When they were done, Connor and Evan went to the kitchen for a snack. "So... Evan," Connor started, looking through their pantries. Evan looked up, looking at Connor. "Tell me more about yourself," Connor said, turning around with a brownie for both of them. "Um.. well, there's not much to say about me," Evan said, nervously laughing. Connor scoffed, sitting right by Evan, and Evan's heart may or may not have sped up. Just a little, though. "Whatever. What's your favorite color? What do you like doing? What's your favorite word? Shit like that," Connor said to Evan, before eating his brownie. "My favorite color is blue, I um, I like to read and write. I really like trees, and my favorite word is brood," Evan replied, feeling embarrassed. "What do you like to write?" Connor asked, looking at Evan. "I like poems, and songs. Stuff like that...." Evan felt so stupid, confessing something so weird like that. Connor would think he's weird and act like he's not creeped out and then he will go and tell everyone that Evan Hansen writes poems and songs and everyone will laugh at him. Connor just nodded, though, looking around the room. "What... What about you?" Evan asked after a moment. "Um, my favorite color is red and purple, I like to read, and my favorite word is suspicious." Connor answered with a breathy laugh. Evan smiled at him, but also felt confused. "Why suspicious?" Evan asked. "I dunno, I guess it's just a weird word. You know, suspicious," Connor replied, using his worst British accent to say "suspicious". Evan laughed, and Connor smiled at him. "What about yours? What was it? Brood? What does it mean?" Connor asked Evan. "Well, it means to think alone, which I do a lot. I like to think whenever I'm alone, using in a forest," Evan replied. Connor paused, before replying. "Damn. Now I feel stupid for saying suspicious," he said. Evan snorted, and his nose scrunched. Connor laughed with Evan, staring at each other. Evan got a text from his mom, and he realized that he had to be home soon. "Shit- um, I have to go. Sorry, time flew by," Evan said, and Connor grabbed his keys, and put on his shoes. They both walked to the car, and Evan told him where he lived. The ride was silent, but it wasn't the usual tense and uncomfortable silence. It was the kind of silence that made you smile and you didn't have to feel like you had to talk. When Connor dropped Evan off, he waved, then went up to his room. Evan fell onto his bed, smiling hard and holding onto his pillow. He remembered the notes, and he read over them. One of the notes wasn't about English, though.

_Believe in yourself! You're smarter than you think. :-) - Zoe_

Evan felt himself smile harder, and he grabbed his computer, opening Word Document. " _Dear Evan Hansen, Today, you spent the day with Connor. He helped you with your English, and so did Zoe. Today has been a good day. Sincerely, your dearest, and maybe-not-only friend, Me._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas! Sorry I haven't updated in so long, but I hope you all are having a wonderful time. If not, know that I love you!! Happy holidays!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank u for reading! Kudos and comments are appreciated very much? Maybe tell me how I'm doing on my tumblr; spookshe
> 
> Constructive criticism is welcomed! Please tell me if anything should be fixed, sorry if its bad I startd this at 4 am.


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